Your One-Stop Guide to Lube

Let me get one thing straight, lube is your friend. 

No matter who you are, or what type of sex you're having, there is always a use for lube to help, dare I say, lubricate, the experience and make it more enjoyable and sexy for everyone involved, including when you're on your own. 

There are a lot of myths out there about lube; that it's only for people who can't get wet, that needing lube means you're dysfunctional in some way, that you must not be turned-on enough, or that your partner might not be doing a good enough job of arousing you, or you're not attracted to them, or perhaps that you get wet on your own so it's not necessary, or that you need it because you're too tight, or a prude, or too needy, too boring, too frigid... the list goes on. 

If you've been conditioned to believe that wetness = desire, and therefore if you're not wet then there's either a problem or you're the problem, you're not alone.

This is a narrative sold to us by porn companies and sex mis-education. 

But the truth is that there are many reasons why level of wetness might not be a good indication of how aroused we are. 

For people with vulvas, hormonal levels, menopause, and/or where someone is in their menstrual cycle, can play a major role in our relationship to getting wet and self lubrication. But things like stress, medication, anxiety around sex, environment, diet, and many other factors can also be at play here. Not being as wet as you'd like doesn't necessarily mean you're not aroused or attracted to your partner (you can let them know that next time this comes up!), and in these cases lube can be extremely helpful. 

But even if you're always able to self lubricate, getting wet doesn't mean you don't need or shouldn't use lube.

The reality is that regardless of how wet you're able to get or not get without lube, using lube is always a good idea. 

Why Use Lube?

Lube is literally a sex essential product designed to make sex feel better. 

Sure, you don't need icing on your cake, or butter on your bread, but why not have it if you can? It sure makes the whole experience a lot more flavourful. 

Lube isn't just to be used when there's a problem, 

Some general reasons why using lube is a good idea in any type of sex:

• Lube can enhance sexual pleasure and sensation for all people involved
• Minimises skin irritation from friction
• Minimises any pubic hair pulling
• Having things feeling wetter and slipperier can be a major sensory turn on (how it feels, how it looks, how it sounds etc)
• Promotes safer sex by reducing chance of injury/tearing/tugging on skin
• Helps to keep condoms on, lubricated, and in tact
• Supports people experiencing vaginal dryness (which can be caused by many different factors) to enjoy sex they want to be having
• Supports people experiencing arousal non-concordance (the experience of being aroused but not having your body/genitals respond in the physical way you expect)
• Makes certain types of sex not only better, but even possible (such as anal sex)
• Applying lube can be a sexy form of foreplay
• Can help to make sex last longer
• Certain types of lubes have ingredients that support in increasing stimulation (warming, cooling etc)
• Makes quicker movements/rhythms possible and more smooth/pleasurable

Shall I go on?

There are so many reasons to use lube, it's actually more difficult to think of reasons not to use it. And with so many incredible products out there these days (stay tuned for my top lubes of 2024 review) there really are endless possibilities at your fingertips. 

But just as important as understanding why using lube is a good idea, it is also very important to understand what types of lube to be using, and when. 

Choosing What Type Of Lube is Best For You

There are many different types of lube available, and they all have their places and purposes, but they're not as interchangeable as you might think. Different types of lubes have very specific intentions behind them.

Knowing which type of lube to be using for which type of touch or sex can drastically impact your experience of pleasure during a sexual experience. The right lube can be an absolute game changer for your sex life. Let's break it all down. 

**With any lube you choose, be sure to "patch test" the lube with your body by using it on a small patch of skin away from your genitals first (such as an arm or leg) and give it some time to see if any reactions/irritation comes before using sexually/on genitals. 

The most common types of lube are:

• Nature's lube (saliva)
• Water-based lube
• Oil-based lube
• Silicone-based lube

Nature's Lube (Saliva)

I'm not here to bash saliva. It's readily accessible and can be super hot to be used as lube. 

Oral sex or some spit on some fingers is a great way to get things going, but relying on saliva as your only source of lube isn't always the best idea. 

Pros

• Easily accessible/free
• Oral sex can be a major turn on
• Can be super hot/kinky 

Cons

• STI's can be transmitted to the genitals through saliva
• There's a difference between wet and slippery; saliva isn't meant to be a lasting, slippery substance - it's just not lube
• The different pH levels in saliva can cause infection
• Saliva doesn't last very long as lube, making it constantly need to be re-applied
• Does not support anal penetration very well, as the anus has no other self-lubricating mechanism and even a ton of saliva just doesn't go very far

Water-based Lube

Water-based lube is generally one of the safer bets across the board, but it also has its down sides. 

Pros

• The best lube for use with condoms and toys 
• Easy clean-up/no staining (picture spilling oil versus spilling water)
• pH-balanced 
• Compatible with silicone toys
• Fertility friendly
• Lots of variety

Cons

• Doesn't stay slippery for very long and might get somewhat sticky after a while (picture wetting your skin or putting oil on it)
• Not very useful for shower sex
• Needs frequent re-application

Oil-Based Lube

Oil-based lube can definitely be the sexiest, and is probably the type of lube that has most diversity in what it can actually be used for outside of penetrative sex, but it also comes with the most warnings. 

It's important to really know your body and the ingredients in an oil-based lube if you're going to use this one. 

Pros

• Stays slippery for much longer than water-based
• Wonderful as external moisturiser
• Great for touch-based pleasure and massages to heat things up
• Lots of diversity in ingredients, smells, textures

Cons

• Might weaken and/or break latex condoms
• Might stain your sheets or be a nuisance to clean up
• Not pH-balanced therefore not recommended for vaginal sex (oil has alkaline pH level, which upsets the vagina's naturally acidic pH and can lead to infections/irritation)
• Not great for toys as it can break-down the toy's material and stay in any porous surface 
• Can lead to allergic reactions or clogged pores, which you don't want during penetration

Silicone-based Lube

Silicone (like this one) is definitely the slipperiest and the longest lasting by far, so for any type of penetration this one works well. The downside however, is that this one cannot be used with silicone-based toys, and when I say long-lasting I also mean it's tough to wash away. 

Pros

• By far the slipperiest
• Hypoallergenic: least likely to cause reactions
• Longest lasting
• Safe to use with latex condoms
• Great for shower sex (because it doesn't easily wash away)

Cons

• Cannot be used with silicone toys
• Difficult to clean up and might stain clothing/sheets
• You might be trying to get it off your skin for a while

Personally, I have all of these on hand in my nightstand at all times, because it's good to have options! But if you're looking to invest in just one at this point, I'd probably go with either a water-based or a silicone-based lube to start because these are generally the safest option for condom use and the most diverse in purpose. 

But hey, if you're not a penetration babe and you're more so there for the external touch, then I'd probably go oil. There's lots of goodness to be had with a general body or intimacy oil.  

For an international list of my top lubes of 2024, stay tuned!

Hope this was helpful my lubed-up friends xx

Have you read my latest article for Archer Magazine about solo sex in relationships and what it means to be your own primary partner? Read it here!

Are you subscribed to my substack? 

Speed Of Trust is a biweekly newsletter where I post personal essays, poetry, reflections and recent musings to connect with living authentically and getting curious about the full expression of the self.