Cracking Open STI Stigma: How to Start the Conversation About STIs
By Taylor Neal
Starting conversation around STIs and safe sex practices is perhaps one of the scariest subjects to crack open, whether it’s with a friend, a potential partner, a first time lover, or within a long term relationship.
It’s one thing to discuss pre-emptive safe sex practices, as this can come without much vulnerability involved.
When was the last time you got tested?
What form of contraception do you use?
Will we use a condom?
These are all types of questions that can come in the early stages of new relationships, or new sexual connections, without disclosing much about our sexual history or health. They may feel uncomfortable, or sticky, to bring up at first. But if we’ve had these conversations once or twice before, we are usually able to conjure up a couple of foundational questions surrounding sexual health that enables us to enter into sexual relationships with a basis of knowing where our partner(s) is at.
It feels entirely different however, when the conversation changes from preventative measures, to disclosing past or present STIs we experience.
The stigmas that circulate surrounding various STIs, and what they “say” about the person that has/had them, creates immense fear toward being vulnerable and open about our sexual health history.
For many, the fear of having to disclose an STI to a partner is greater than the STI itself, and for valid reason.
The Dreaded Reaction
I have seen reactions to STI disclosures completely across the board.
While we can’t always control our reactions to things as intimate and personal as our sexual health, it is unfortunately quite common to see intensely negative responses during disclosures, which position the person experiencing the STI as “bad,” “unsafe,” and even “disgusting.” And of course, the fear of these responses is why it is so hard to disclose.
The primary reason for these more negative responses comes, for the most part, also from a place of fear.
If it’s the partner(s) of the person experiencing the STI, they often feel fearful of what this means for their own health and body.
If it’s someone not directly sexually connected to the person disclosing, usually the reaction comes from a place of misinformation and societal stigma. Often, the immediate thought is that this person is “reckless” with their sexuality, or having too much sex.
In many cases, where the STI does not indicate larger issues within the relationship, STI conversations boil down to the Madonna/Whore Fallacy. I say Fallacy instead of Complex, because it is indeed a deceitful myth, rather than a condition or state of being.
STIs and the Madonna/Whore Fallacy
The Madonna/Whore Fallacy refers to the idea that humans, particularly femmes, must fall into one of two categories; the virginal, virtuous care-taking wife/spouse and mother/parent, or the whore.
In relating this to our conversations around STIs, the idea is that The Madonna would never end up with an STI, because they are virtuous and “clean,” and their sexuality is sacred. In this frame of mind, only the Whore would contract an STI of course, for being out of control and too liberal with their sexuality.
This is how STIs end up being linked to hygiene, where having an STI equates to “dirty.” Which is simply false, and quite frankly, juvenile.
The truth is, that no matter how careful you are, and no matter how many partners you may have, anyone can contract an STI. More that a million STIs are acquired everyday, and most of them are actually asymptomatic.(1)
Of course, there are many ways of taking preventative measures that dramatically aid your ability to steer clear of STIs, but there is never a complete guarantee against STIs, even with the most diligent of safe sex practices.
I could also mention the difficulty of getting prompt, regular STI tests in many cities where healthcare is either extremely limited, or accessible only with extremely extended wait times for regular appointments, but this feels like a whole separate article.
This also doesn’t take into account the very real, and unfortunately very prevalent, factor of sexual assault, where the agency to decide one’s own fate for safe sex is stolen from the individual. This is also a large reason why someone may struggle to disclose in general, as disclosing the STI may mean disclosing their trauma. Again, an entirely separate article.
With so many pertinent factors causing STIs to be a very real, rather prominent ingredient in any sexually active human’s life, there has to be ways that we can start having these conversations, and discussing our sexual health, without the fear that our partner(s) will leave us.
Let me say it loud and clear once again: If you are sexually active, STIs are part of the package.
So how then, do we find ways of communicating about STIs that feel less scary, less riddled with stigma, and less full of guilt and blame? How do we remove the notions of “good vs bad” or “clean vs dirty” from conversations around sexual health?
Safe Spaces For STIs
In coming back to the discussion around STI disclosures within relationships, it is important to remember that all forms of emotional responses when it comes to our own bodies are extremely valid.
If your partner has disclosed to you that they have discovered they have an STI, you cannot always control your emotional response right away. Yes, it is scary.
Of course, the anger could come from a lack of previous honesty, or the STI could point to infidelity in the relationship, which are larger concerns within the container of the relationship.
But most of the time, if you have been in partnership for a while and have just learned this information, or if you have contracted the STI from another partner within your consensual relationship agreement, or if you are entering a new relationship while carrying an STI, the fear for all parties comes from the general lack of understanding toward STIs many of us face. Often, we just simply don’t know what it means, and the not knowing of it all causes the fear of it all. It feels scary because it makes us confront the limits of our control.
The ways to create safe space for STI communication then, are to normalize sex in general, remain in honesty, and educate yourself.
Normalize
For the person disclosing, often the fear is that their partner(s) will no longer want to have sex with them, think of them differently, or even leave them.
However the emotional response shows up within a partnership, it is important to allow ourselves to feel what we need to feel, while also recognizing that the disclosure that has happened was probably extremely scary for the person experiencing the STI. Part of maintaining safe spaces for communication in a relationship is finding that empathy.
The key to creating safe spaces for STIs, is the same as how we create safe spaces for sex in general; we have to normalize sex as the messy, sticky, silly, confusing, unpredictable thing that it is.
We have to normalize the less sexy parts of sex, if we’re agreeing to have sex at all.
Honesty
The word that keeps coming up throughout this discussion is “honesty,” and that is the key.
It sounds corny, but it’s true time and time again; honesty is the way to safety.
As I’ve mentioned, there may be factors that cause honesty in a sexual relationship to feel more challenging, especially when it relates to our trauma. But if there is an overarching safety for honesty in a relationship, then honesty about STIs will feel, if not less scary, at least more accessible.
As long as there is honesty, having an STI does not mean you have done anything wrong. Having an STI does not mean your partner has done anything wrong, if they’ve been honest with you.
Educate
Often, no one did anything wrong, and there’s still an STI to deal with.
It’s not constructive to get angry and place blame, though anger is valid if it needs to exist for a moment. But after we’ve had our emotional response, we have to find new ways to navigate things, without further hurting one another.
The best way to get comfortable discussing STIs is simply to educate yourself on them.
If you’re operating within a partnership, a good way to remove the separation between partners is to educate yourselves, together. Literally, do some research. Understand exactly what it is you’re dealing with. Talk to a health care practitioner, and get clear on what is happening in your body.
Support one another in future tests, and then with a better understanding of exactly what things mean for everyone involved, if you face the information together from a place of understanding and clarity, it may feel less consuming.
Still hold space for anger, grief, frustration, and any other emotion that may arise, but the invitation is to hold these things, and navigate it all, in a united, supportive way, from an informed foundation.
To normalize STIs is to normalize sex; sex in its raw, honest, messy form.
Safe spaces for STIs are safe spaces for sex in general.
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