I Will Not Be Efficient

My lover recently told me that among all things, he wouldn't necessarily describe me as "efficient." 

"You are extremely resourceful and extremely capable," he said, "but I don't know if efficient is the right word." 

Amidst a very large To-Do list, I was a tad frustrated to hear this. I asked him to give me an example of what he meant. 

He said, “instead of buying a new, fully functional working van you spent months fixing up an old one. You shoot film instead of digital, just because you like the process. You refuse to do anything before your morning coffee. You make all of your costumes from scratch instead of ordering online. You read physical books.”

I softened. He was right. 

My Taurus rising and Virgo Mercury both feel very seen by this, but boy does it make battling capitalism challenging. And honestly, I’m exhausted.

I will choose pleasure over promptness every time, and amidst a hectic month of juggling multiple obligations, I will find time to eat giant bagel sandwiches with my partner and write in my journal. 

I don’t want to be “successful” if efficiency is the key to success. If my efficiency and ability to multitask is directly related to my success, I shall throw up my hands at efficiency and let hours pass while I sit idly and feel a salty breeze on my skin or witness my feather baby teetering on his perch.

If efficiency is mutually exclusive with presence and sensation, if it comes down to success or indulgence and pleasure, I will choose to be obsolete and analog and slow every time

I will choose to be obsolete, analog and slow every time

I will not be efficient, instead I will feel

I will not be efficient, instead I will process

I will not be efficient, instead I will practice

I will not be efficient, instead I will grow

I will not be efficient, instead I will give energy,  intentionally, to that which nourishes me

I will do everything with intention

I will make-out with my friends on stage in front of hundreds of people and I will take my time about it

I will nurture my loved ones

I will nourish my body

I will write poetry about gardens

I will spend years on a single art project and see it through to fruition

I will finish my orange juice before leaving the breakfast table

I will drive an hour out of the way to see a specific tree

I will read books

I will notice the little patterns the sun makes on the wall.

I will not be efficient,

instead I will be loving.